Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
