glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
