She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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