What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
