I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
