Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The air was thick with penises
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
