I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
