he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
