If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
