Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
