So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My dick has a subreddit
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
