i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
