My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
