Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
