saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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