i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
