Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
