he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
