you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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