Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
