Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
