I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
