I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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