also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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