He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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