You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
