WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
