hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
