Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
