All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
