Your dad touched me again.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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