I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
