he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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