Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
