I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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