I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
