she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
