i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
