i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
