Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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