my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
