Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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