trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
