We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
