Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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