oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i need some magic done to my vagina
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
