Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
