Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
