omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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