Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
